i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I skipped work to stalk him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
