I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
