Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?