I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
