My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
