i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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