oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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