walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
