Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I touched a dick in church today
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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