FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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