A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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