oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
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Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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