you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
