have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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