i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
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Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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