The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
