if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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