You're my little dorito
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
