Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
