Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Plan B is the new Plan A
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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