my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
