So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
