jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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