I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
