she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize