A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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