Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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