the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
