Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
