Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
