I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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