It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
