Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
