Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
