From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
