I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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