I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
