I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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