My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
