4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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