I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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