I bet he comes in French.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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