i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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