I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
