I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
