We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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