i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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