Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
