here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
