after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
