moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
