just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
