does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
